topsy-turvy

I figured it was time for a general update again! Mostly because my life is going through some massive changes right now, and I`m purposefully making some changes to this blog and my YouTube channel. Don`t worry, it`s nothing too different and I`m not quitting anything! But things are happening and I need to adjust.

So, who`s ready for an overly self-indulgent navel-gazing type of blogpost?
(Note to self: work on my promotion skills. For someone who studied marketing, I am remarkably bad at this.)

First, my life in a nutshell

As of this week, I am officially on welfare. As I`ve mentioned in other blogposts, I have been unemployed for a very long time now. After graduating in 2012, I just have not managed to find a job I could hang on to. I did some work through a job agency, worked at a callcenter for a couple of months with horrifying results to my mental state, and I also did a lot of volunteer work. I came close to getting a job several times, but every single time I didn`t make it through to the end, whether it was because the potential employer decided to hire someone else, or no one at all, or because of reasons like “we just can`t tell from your CV that you`ve been working towards a sales function your entire life”.

Now, here in the Netherlands, all municipalities get to control their own welfare system to a certain extent. The main rules and laws are governed by the government, but the precise implementation is up to the town and the company they work with. My town has decided to make everyone who`s on welfare work for it in a production factory. I`m, unfortunately, not an exception.

I did make an agreement with the welfare organisation that, because of therapy and other volunteer work, I only work half days and only 4 days a week. Still, that does mean I start work at 8 am every day except Tuesday and I`ve been getting up at 6 am to fold fake, plastic flowers into a shape that resembles actual natural flowers. As someone who has not had a single day of work in over a year and had a sleeping pattern of waking up at 10 am and going to sleep at 3 am, this is quite the change.

I am very tired, frustrated, and not too happy with the situation. I`m not sure yet what I think of the work, as I mostly blank out and just stop  feeling anything, which may or may not be a bad sign.

The jury`s still out on that one, I guess.

It doesn`t help that, since reading Fukuzawa Yukichi`s autobiography, I have been thinking a lot about ambitions I used to have and what happened to them. I seem to have lost any dreams and aspirations outside of “a job, to get money for a new laptop” which is more of a necessity than an ambition anyway.

Which brings me on to the next part of this massive blogpost:

As for this blog and my YouTube channel 

I`ve been thinking a lot about these two. I feel like I`ve let it slip into a category I didn`t intend to slot myself into: books. Only books.

It might be just me, but I feel like so far, in 2015 and the end of 2014, all I`ve done is talk about books. Don`t get me wrong: I love books. Absolutely adore them. But I also adore other types of storytelling, like TV shows, movies, my own writing, blogs, YouTube, you name it. And it`s like I`ve almost forgotten about those and about my own ideas and ambitions.

There`s another factor here: books are easy. Talking about books brings in the likes, the comments. My platforms have grown a lot in the past couple of weeks, with visitors and views almost doubling from where they were just a couple of months ago. I love it, I love the little ping that shows up every time someone liked something I wrote. I love the notification from YouTube Creator Studio when someone leaves a comment. It`s addictive, a tiny burst of dopamine injected into my brain every time my phone lights up. And it`s easy to adjust my content to whatever gets the most views.

Such a standard mistake.

Now, I don`t have the time to make a video this week. I`m too tired to really do anything productive as it is (I`m surprised if this blogpost is actually readable and not filled with errors everywhere). But, although I`ve been planning my videos ahead for the next two months, I`m going to take another long look at what I`m planning and what I actually want. I`m going to need to divide my time differently, manage it better and be more prepared. But I also want to get more satisfaction out of the content I produce, especially now I`m getting so little satisfaction out of work and job hunting.

I read a blogpost by Caiti about falling in love with blogging again, and I am going to take some tips and ideas from this and use them for both my blog and my channel. I need to fall back in love with this, keep remembering my resolution to put more effort into what I make and really work on those skills and be proud of what I do.

So in a tl;dr, I guess what it all comes down to is: I`m going to try to diversify the content I create. Still a lot of book talk, but also movie talk, life talk, and anything else that I think might be worth writing/filming about. I don`t think I`m going to schedule it, because that takes a lot of fun out of it and puts responsibility back which is definitely not what this is about. (Although, if I do have a video it will almost always go up on a Friday).

Congratulations to everyone who managed to read this whole thing! Let me know if you did down in the comments.

Also let me know if you have any ideas for me to talk about, or any tips on how to improve all of this `ere content. Thanks!

Take care 🙂

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