Trigger warning: unemployment & depression, a rant.

Since Tuesday last week, I have been sending two job applications every single day. Every. Day. I have to do this, as it`s a prerequisite to getting welfare from the government thanks to my (extremely) long-term unemployment.

I`ve been stuck in a never-ending cycle of “not enough relevant work experience” vs “not getting a job to get actual relevant work experience” for more than two years now.

Despite trying to get experience through other means like volunteer work, things keep going wrong out of my control, and now here I am. There`s new generations graduating now, who don`t have that gap in their CV, who don`t have almost a year`s worth of not working at all because no one`s hiring me, and they`ll have an advantage over me, just like everyone ahead of me has an advantage thanks to actually having a job.

So, 2 job applications every day, in a region with rarely ever a relevant job opening to begin with. Or anything at all that doesn`t make me want to kill myself.

Because here`s the problem: I`m expected to reply to everything even vaguely realistic. But the last time I took on a job purely for the sake of money, I ended up at a callcenter, and I ended up with massive breakdowns and turned suicidal. I wish I was overreacting. I`m not.

Now here I am today, I have spent the last two hours trying to find a job opening that`s even partially suited to what I`m looking for. I haven`t found any. I replied to one, but it`s pretty much a lost cause right from the beginning.

And I`m starting to feel that breakdown already. That feeling of “I`m not worth it” and “I`m never going to manage” and “why do I even bother”.

I`d love to believe all the “it`ll get better!” messages, and the “you only need one company to hire you!” and the “just keep trying!”, but at what point am I allowed to say “fuck this shit”? Apparently never.

There is no point to this blogpost. No “but here`s the brightside!”, no “I`ll keep hoping!”. Because there isn`t  a brightside, there isn`t much hope. Just a message of unemployment, frustration, and depression taking control again. So much of my life has been wasted in a frustrated, broke & unemployed mess, it makes me wonder what the point of it all is anymore. I feel alone, useless, a waste of oxygen.

I just don`t know anymore.

Take a deep breath, and try again.

I don`t have any other choice. But oh god, at what cost.

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