Trigger warning pt.2: unemployment & depression, moving on

here`s what I do – or at least what I do today – when depression hits me again suddenly (it`s always there, always lurking, always whispering in my ear, like a big black wolf always following me wherever I go, but sometimes it jumps infront of me and decides I don`t get to make another step and it threatens me and pushes me back and all I can do is whimper and do as it says):

I write. I rant. Sometimes I just write it in Word then close the file without saving. Sometimes I upload it on Twitter, or here, then delete it shortly after. This time, I`ll let it stay here. I want the struggle to be visible for other people.

Sometimes I cry a little. Only sometimes, only a little. I`ve been taught never to cry for too long before you make other people uncomfortable. Stop your crying. Move on. 

I take a deep breath. Realise I`m kind of hungry and thirsty. Go downstairs, make a cup of tea. Cuddle the dog while I`m there anyway. She`s a spoiled one – none of us are capable of being near her without cuddling or petting her. She doesn`t mind. Usually.

Take my cup of tea. Decide a banana is also a good idea (it releases happy hormones or something, I`m not entirely sure how it works, just that it supposedly works, which is good enough for me right now). Decide that the chocolate my mom got for her birthday and claims she can`t eat though the box is suspiciously empty, is also a good idea. Take 3 small chocolates from the box despite being unsure if you have permission or not. Go back to my room.

Take another deep breath.

Realise the song that`s playing has the words And the world spins madly on in it, which sounds kind of fitting.

Go back to doing the thing that made me feel like crap to begin with. It needs to be done anyway.

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