Thoughts on beauty gurus and struggling with how I look

Sometimes I feel this strange urge to start beauty blogging/vlogging. I`ve always had a tendency to be very influenced by whatever I`ve been watching and reading most recently, so increasing the amount of beauty gurus I follow on social media doesn`t help.

Still.

I do wonder why I feel like I should be doing the beauty thing. I don`t do beauty myself. I don`t wear make-up (at least not often, I own about one pencil case of make-up and rarely use it). This is partially out of sheer laziness, and partially because my face starts burning and goes bright red for about an hour whenever I put anything on it, which is off-putting to say the least.

I don`t know much about beauty products, I barely even know what everything is for – to be honest I felt like a pro when I learned that moisturising your skin is a thing. I also wasn`t raised particularly girly – sure I played around with Barbie dolls and nail polish, but I also played with cars and climbed in trees and have a mother who didn`t want me to start shaving when I went into my teenage years.

To a certain extent, it feels like I`m only recently (in the last couple of years) starting to learn what most girls seem to know since their teenage years. And it does feel a bit like I missed out, like I`m lacking somehow, like I`m not a `proper girl`.

But at the same time? I honestly don`t really care. I think the beauty bloggers world is an interesting one, and there is definitely stuff to be learned, but my level of interest in it is a kind of general curiosity of the type I also have for other things like the news. I know it`s probably important, and I try to keep up, but at the same time I don`t actually care that much, I`m not willing to spend a lot of money on it, nor do I want to define myself by how well I can make my face look pretty.

And that`s just the thing, I think, that I`m struggling with: how I define myself.

I know other people will judge me for my lack of make-up skills. I know I`m at a disadvantage at job interviews and on the work floor for my lack of make-up wearing. But I also don`t want to literally hurt my face just to be accepted by other people, and I`m idealistic enough to want to be acknowledged for my skills and my hard work at what I do, whether I spend time in the mornings making my face prettier or not.

Plus, in all honesty: I very much prefer spending 35 euro on a new book or two than on a jar of cream. I know I am much more at ease in a museum or in a bookstore than I am in a make-up store. In fact, I`ve ended up crying before because I was so uncomfortable, surrounded by make-up, while friends were walking around obviously knowing what they were doing and I just had no clue and wanted to leave. There was more to the situation than that, but it wasn`t helping in the slightest.

This still leaves it a complete mystery why I would ever want to do beauty blogging. But I think the answer to that is: jealousy. I get jealous of women with the pretty make-up and the know-how of that intimidating world of creams for this and creams for that and put this layer on this layer on this layer on your face. I too want the nice and even skin. I too want the fierce looks, the outfits that are put together so nicely, the confidence in what they do. My own skin is not great, it`s red and blotchy and I blush so easily and I always struggle with acne. I get very insecure about my appearance, though it`s been getting better.

I try to remind myself that my skin does exactly what it`s supposed to do – it protects my organs, it keeps my body together, it`s not leaking anywhere. It`s doing an A+ job at what it`s supposed to do. The fact that it responds so strongly to strange substances is also, in my opinion, fairly normal. It`s protecting me, after all.

As for the outfits and the confidence – I`m getting there. I really am.

I used to have people tell me that I needed to tone down my intelligence (say what?) and wear more make-up and “take better care of myself” and maybe wear more short skirts and basically, people kept telling me I needed to change a lot of things about myself.

And I`m starting to learn – with thanks to a lot of beauty bloggers, I should add – that I don`t have to. I don`t have to wear make-up, I don`t have to dress a certain way or act a certain way to make people – and especially potential love interests – like me. I`m allowed to, sure, just as everyone else has every right to wear every layer of make-up they want to. But I just have to be me, and wear what I like and do what I like. And if that doesn`t include make-up and a whole shelf of creams for every moment of the day, that`s perfectly okay.

And that`s the best beauty message there is, in my opinion.

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