The Death of a Challenge

Back in January, I blogged that this year I will be doing a challenge where I won`t buy books for the entire year. I also said I`d be doing smaller, monthly challenges. 

Since it`s May now, and a lot has changed in my life, I figured it`s time for an update on these challenges. Or more specifically, to announce the end of all of them. Yep, you read that right: I`m cancelling all the challenges. 

Let me begin with explaining with the small, monthly ones: this one simply never caught on to begin with. I tried drawing for a while, and I might still pick it up again, but all in all it`s much better for me to not constrict myself to a certain month. I tend to end up feeling more stressed than usual, I get annoyed when I then don`t make the goals or when I miss day after day of working on the current goal. I tried, and it`s not for me. 

I guess I learned, and now I`ll properly move on. 

The book-buying challenge though, was not something that fizzled out like the monthly challenges. It was very much a conscious decision. And no, it`s not because I miss buying books (I mean, I do miss that, but not as much as I expected). After all, that was mostly a habit, and one I got rid off for the most part, having not bought a single book for 4 months straight. 

No, thing is, it`s a bit more dramatic than that (as always, what even is my life). A lot has happened, with me moving back to my parents` being the least of my problems, and I need time to work my mind through all of it. Put shortly, I realised I was essentially being emotionally abused –  that everything I did was in attempts to please people who would never actually be pleased, that I had toxic friendships who would prefer putting me down, pointing out everything I am incapable of, who admitted to manipulating me and people around me and then continued to do so anyway, who made me dependent on them and then dropped me, ignored me, shoved me aside. These people have had so much influence over me, that I have lost any sense of who I actually am, any sense of self-worth, my real capabilities, everything. 

It`s not the first time it happened, it`s a bit of a reoccuring thing to a point where I now realise I was also projecting this behaviour onto other people, simply because I didn`t know any different. I`m not 100% innocent, I`m not 100% a victim, I will readily admit to parts of the blame. I`m also not blaming one specific person, but rather a whole string of people in my past who have either consciously or unconsciously had a part in this. But this is still something that happened systematically and I need to work around in my head. Call it self-improvement. 

So, in an attempt at cleansing myself from my old life I`m also dropping a lot of things that have to do with these times, including not only cancelling the challenge, but also cutting several of these “friends” out my life. 

Onwards to becoming a better, happier person! 

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