It`s been two weeks now since I moved back to my parents. It`s not been as dramatic as I expected, yet at the same time it`s also been worse. It`s been a rough two weeks though. Let`s just say I`ve been discovering a lot of things about me and some people I used to consider friends, and it`s been quite a hit to take. Cue lots of moping around and depressed moods and concerned parents.
I won`t go into too much detail about my “friends” or what they did, but suffice to say I know where part of the blame goes for my lack of self-confidence. My insecurity, my decision making (or lack thereof), down to what I wear and eat on a daily basis, everything about me has been heavily influenced or even downright manipulated by other people. To some extent this is normal, I am aware of this. It`s normal that we get influenced by the people we know, and it`s generally a good thing.
What`s not a good thing is if you end up with no sense of a Self, if you end up incapable of making your own decisions, if everything you do and are has been scrutinised, questioned, belittled, or downright insulted for the past couple of years. I`d almost go as far as saying I`ve been emotionally abused, were it not for the part where I think that sounds horribly dramatic.
Going back to my parents` has allowed me to take some distance from everything, take a step back, and look at everything that has happened again. I`ve noticed I`ve been returning to things I used to do a couple of years back, but have lost a while ago. I`ve been watching Japanese drama, reading fanfiction, the works.
I`ve been talking through a lot of these issues with my parents as well, and they have been struggling with understanding it but doing their every best to take it in, not make things any worse, and helping me get back to who I am and find some self confidence. Still, as much as I love them and as much as I am grateful that they not only took me back in but have been trying to help me sort through this mess, they`re not practiced therapists. Nor do they have any other means to help. There`s been a lot of adjusting for all of us, with a couple of arguments, though so far things seem to be going okay *knock on wood*.
I`m currently still waiting to meet up with my new doctor, and hoping he can then transfer me through to new therapy. I`m also still job hunting, and trying to figure out what it is I even want to do with my life. There are a couple of things I keep going back to (including both teaching and becoming a nutritionist), and I`m starting to look into possibilities for further education for different fields of work.
I`ve also been making sure I do get outside a lot. Luckily, my parents enjoy going to random places on the weekends, and taking walks in forests and the like. On top of that I`ve been making sure I spend at least one hour every day outside either walking or cycling. In fact, I cycled 20 km yesterday, going to a German town and back. I`ve also been doing stretching exercises and paying more attention to my posture.
The lack of an actual physical social life has allowed me to regroup my thoughts, catch up on tv shows I had stopped watching, and live without too much influence from outside people for a while. It`s a nice break, and I`d like for it to continue for a while, while I rebuild myself from the ground up. Now I can only hope the break doesn`t last too long, but for now? I`m good.
For now I`m okay, and I`m working hard on getting better. Baby steps.