This blog is supposed to be about honesty, about me and who I am and what I like. It`s about not lying to people, not pretending to be something or someone I`m not, because I do enough of that in real life already.
There hasn`t been much of this honesty lately. Between all the reviews and the short stories, I figured it`s about time I give you an update on how I`m actually doing.
Let me just take a deep breath.
Right, here we go.
January has not been treating me well.
My OCD and anxiety have been skyrocketing, to a point where I`ve been in a near-constant state of anxiety for the past week or so, with only the occasional relief that lasts no more than a few hours. I`m so tense that my legs hurt constantly, my stomach is a constant pit of nerves, I switch from eating ridiculous amounts to not being hungry at all. The tiniest thing can have me break out in tears. I find it hard to still enjoy things. I go to sleep very late, because I simply can`t sleep thanks to the amount of anxiety and tension. I feel ill regularly, the stress inducing nausea and shaking, in turn causing panic attacks thanks to hypochondria. It`s a never-ending cycle that`s breaking me up. I`m always tired, just plain out exhausted.
I`m still on a waiting list for therapy, and they don`t know when I get to really start.
Financially, I`m in a worse state than ever before. My debts are growing, I`m putting myself on several budgets. But I have reached the point where it`s more likely than not that I`ll be moving back to my parents` house in March, something I`ve been trying to avoid for the past 1,5 year. If I move back, this will have consequences beyond seeing my parents on a daily basis, which in itself is not something I look forward to after 6,5 years of independence. It also means being put on a new waiting list for therapy, it means being in a remote part of the country with questionable public transport, it means being in a place I worked so, so hard to get away from.
My bank account is being changed from a student account to a regular one, which means I now have to receive a certain amount of money each month just to keep my account open. I don`t know if I can reach that amount next month, which would mean my bank account gets blocked until I do have money coming in again. I have a small amount of cash savings in my room, that I`m probably going to have to sacrifice for my bank account next month. It feels like putting just one drop into an ocean of debt, but if it keeps the account open, I`ll have no choice.
One brake on my bicycle has broken, which means I need to bring my bicycle to the repairshop today. I just don`t know how I`m going to pay for the repair, but I can`t not fix it either since this area is known for its dangerous traffic and its hills, and you need both brakes for safety. I can`t just not use my bicycle either, as using the busses would be much more expensive.
There are some troubles with my paycheck from the Christmas market, and one colleague is still supposed to send me an explanation through e-mail. She promised me this last Friday. It`s now Thursday. I`ve already send her a reminder e-mail, but still no answer.
In fact, there are several important e-mails that I`ve not gotten this week, and I would wonder if my inbox is broken were it not for the fact that I`ve gotten other e-mails just fine. I checked my spam box, they`re not there either.
My laptop is still slowly working towards its own death. It`s starting to lag more, can`t handle both YouTube and other websites at the same time, takes longer to start. I really don`t have the money to get a new laptop, and I do really need it for job hunting purposes.
I would give up on everything, were it not for the fact that if I give up and don`t do anything, my problems would increase tenfold, as would the anxiety and the guilt. So instead, I`ve turned back into a workaholic, spending almost the amount of a full-time job on finding a job, trying to find other ways to survive, signing up for freelance jobs, trying to sell things. None of it is working, nothing at all. It`s maddening.
I`ve been to the unemployment center to see if I can be put on wellfare. They told me “just keep going and hope the economy strengthens itself again”. No money for me there either then. Which means I`m running out of options real fast.
So there we go. General update.
I`ll let you know once I have better news. For now, it doesn`t look like that`s coming anytime soon.
Take a deep breath and keep working. Keep going. It`s all I can do. But oh what I would give for just being able to curl up in my bed and ignore that there`s a world outside.