On moving on and leaving things behind

Consider this an announcement of sorts, I suppose. I am, after all, announcing things.

Here`s the thing though: with a (temporary) full-time job that`s beyond ridiculously tiring, job-hunting for when this one is over, insurance issues, bank issues, general housekeeping, therapy, dealing with mental issues outside of therapy, making time to have fun with friends, I end up with not a lot of time and energy left to do other things like my hobby`s: nanowrimo, 50 book challenge, this blog, my youtube channel.

I don`t have much time to read books, for example. I try to read on the train to work, and if possible during lunch breaks and before I go to sleep, but I also often use that same 15 minute train ride for catching up on sleep. As a result, I`m horribly, horribly behind on the 50 books challenge (11 books, to be precise), and I have decided I will be dropping the challenge. I will probably get around to reading a couple more books this year, December has always been a good month for reading. But I won`t reach 50. I just don`t have the time, try though I might.

The same goes for writing books, aka nanowrimo. It`s day 26, I`m still at 33.004 words and have barely been writing. It`s been sucking more energy than producing it, and you know it`s not going right when you stress about how much writing you still have to do. Writing is fun. It`s hard work, yes, but in essence it`s always been fun for me. Once it produces this much stress, in a life already filled with insane amounts of stress, the best choice is to cut it off and leave it behind.

I do have a lot of ideas for this novel, but it deserves to be planned much better. I`ve been pantsing it, and the story went horribly off-topic and it`s only just starting to return, but with how tired I am on a daily basis, it`s just not going to happen this month. I might continue writing this novel, I might not. I don`t know. At this point in time I just don`t know.

I`m only a bit upset at stopping with these two things though. In all fairness it also feels like a weight is lifted off my shoulders. It will give me more time to focus on this blog, on my videos, on my own future in a more constructive matter. I do still enjoy reading and writing, but I would like to keep it that way as well and not force myself too much.

Nanowrimo specifically though, has a bit of a “winning” vs “losing” thing going on, but do I feel like a loser now that I`m officially giving up on passing the 50.000 mark this month? A bit, yes. I will readily admit that. But it`s no different from usual, I always feel like a loser. Do I think people like me actually deserve the title “loser”? No. Just by starting these novels, by spending time on them, by working on them and learning from them, we`ve already won more than we could have imagined beforehand. I am learning to set new priorities, and nanowrimo is not one of them, even if nanowrimo did teach me more about these priorities.

I`m going to leave some things behind, but leaving things behind inherently means you`re still moving forward, and that`s very much a good thing.

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