I’m back from my parents’ place, where I spent one night so I could go see the optician for new contact lenses. Good to know my eyes are still as bad as they were the previous time.
This means it’s now only a few days until my Epic Geek Trip 2013: UK version. I’ll leave Sunday evening, and will be touring through the UK on my own for three weeks.
While I am really excited, because of a lot of geeky things planned that I really look forward to, my anxiety is also rocketing sky high at the moment.
I don’t have social anxiety. Not much, anyway. What I do have is a LOT of anxiety about things that can go wrong. I’ve booked everything myself, and I am insanely worried about having planned things wrong or being scammed or missing a connection somewhere and just, really, there’s so much that can go wrong and I am really worried -and especially really scared- about it all.
Not helping is the part where I just spent a lot of money on this new iPad (money I don’t actually have) and I still don’t actually know if I can do with it what I bought it for in the first place: make videos of my trip. I need to be able to connect both my camera and my external hard drive to this little tablet thing and then edit videos, save them, and upload them. I also need to process photographs. I don’t have the money to buy more memory cards, so I kind of need this to work. It’s a large part of what I’d been looking forward to, the video making, and the idea of it not being possible just makes me want to cry. Especially with my laptop on the verge of death, making it potentially impossible to edit videos on it (I haven’t tried yet, too afraid of the result).
Video making has become a large part of my life. It has taken over everything without me noticing. And I really do like video making. It feels good to go through all those steps and then see an actual result emerge.
But unfortunately, these current problems are the next ones in a long, long line of issues. In the past 8 or so months since I started making videos, there has not been a single video that has come into existence without problems. I’ve had to struggle and fight for every single one of them, with everything working against me time and time again. I’ve had software failing, expiring, plain out quitting on me, camera issues, finally setting everything up on the one day I’m free just to have people move out of the house or neighbourhood kids having screaming contests underneath my window the entire day.
It’s tiring and frustrating and when I finally upload a video it barely gets any views even if I promote it on twitter, Brass Goggles, a special FaceBook page, and here on this blog. When every time you upload something and promote it to literally hundreds of people and it takes 2 or 3 days for even one person to watch it, who then leaves no like or comment or anything, so you don’t get advice on how to improve, that makes it ridiculously hard to continue. Combine all the problems, and I’ve been on the verge of quitting regularly.
I’m going to the Apple store in town tomorrow, to see if they can help with how on earth I can edit videos on this thing. I still have a tiny sliver of hope that they can tell me exactly what I need to do and that everything will be fine. It’s only a sliver though. Either way, it’s going to cost me more money still, which I’m decidedly unhappy about.
I’m happy about going to the UK, but right now the happiness is being overshadowed immensely by everything else.
I guess this could be a good lesson in not being so naive. But I’m not liking this lesson one bit.