I am writing this post on my new iPad. So apologies in advance for any typing errors; I’m not really use to this keyboard just yet.
Buying this tablet was for some reason very scary to me. I suspect it was the prospect of the large amount of money. I am from a working class family who never really had much money to spend. We weren’t poor, and I had a good youth, but with a lot of middle to higher class people in my circle of friends it can be difficult to see them spend all that money so easily while I have to save on everything, even food, if I want or need something that’s more expensive than 50 euros. Spending 370 euro on a tablet, 35 on a case for it, and another 10 for insurance for it was quite enough for me. Especially now I don’t have a job or any income whatsoever anymore.
I was physically nauseous when I left the store today.
I was in a good mood for most of the day though. It disappeared at some point in the evening. Aside from buyer’s guilt because of a silly iPad, I’m at that point again where I just wonder what exactly it is that I’m doing with my life.
I got reminded of times past and of life choices over the course of dinner. We have new housemates, my friends leaving 1 by 1. School has started again today. My housemates were asking how their first days at school were. And here I am, graduated last year, but having reached nothing since. I still live in a students dorm. I still don’t have a job. It feels like my life has stalled, like all I do is exist without reaching anything. I want to leave the student life behind me, but no matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to manage.
No one even bothered asking how my day was.
So I sigh and continue daily life and try to keep myself busy, but at night the demons come crawling right back at me and sometimes I’m too tired to keep fighting them. I might be doing better lately, but tonight is one of those nights where all I can do is curl up and hope the demons don’t engulf me completely.