On radio silence, mosaic, and changes

Ah yes, radio silence. Again. I know. I`m sure most of you know why by now.

I have been doing a lot better the past couple of weeks though. Not good yet, nowhere near perfect. I`m still (and possibly forever or at least for a very, very long time) working on a lot of aspects of myself, but quitting the call centre has been a good decision so far and I`ve been doing much better.

So in a semi-quick heads up what`s going on in my life at the moment:

-This time next week, I`ll be on my way to London! I will arrive there Monday morning, as I`m taking a slow (but cheap) way of getting there. I am really looking forward to this UK trip, although I`m also all kinds of terrified. Travel anxiety, I guess. It`s a normal thing to have, although with my, well, mental situation, it can get a bit worse than usual. Still, I`m continuing on and slowly but surely I`m starting to get more excitement than fear. Baby steps.

– My laptop is dying. Although I am writing this on my laptop, I`m not sure how much longer he`ll last. Aside from the battery already being very questionable, it has now also decided that my Windows isn`t legitimate anymore. This in turn means other functions quitting, me having to go through several error messages while booting up, and getting regular error messages while in use. I have already gone through it all with some ICT friends who have essentially told me that everything SHOULD be working fine except that it`s not. Since my laptop is 3,5 years old (old as balls, in other words), and the system is in Japanese because I bought it in Kyoto, I have decided to opt out of getting it repaired and to move on. A tablet is in the direct future (tomorrow), and I`ll look for a better laptop when I get back from the UK and have an estimate in terms of remaining budget. Again, baby steps.

– I have decided to focus more on learning new things again. Not new knowledge, since I am actually incapable of stopping with gaining new knowledge. No, I`m going for skills now. For example, I want to learn how to use beauty products better and more efficiently. This means I am slowly learning about make-up, skin care, nail care, things like that. It`s a particularly slow process because I have a tiny, TINY budget dedicated to this (I`m guesstimating 10 Euro/month) and I have a lot of other things to do, but I do want to be capable of doing better make-up. Another example of something I want to learn is a random skill like, say, juggling, or hula-hooping. I haven`t decided on an actual skill yet. In fact, I might pick up card tricks again first. I did that a couple of years back, and it was actually a lot of fun to learn. Still, baby steps.

– I have finished two books and a movie, and will (eventually) write reviews for all 3 of them. Just give me some time to get my things back on track, as my life has been exploding into chaos lately, as you might have noticed by the lack of posts. But I have them on my to-do list, so be on the look-out for those. It might take some time still to really get back into the blogging thing though. I have taken a huge hit from the call centre, and combined with therapy, a social life (where did that come from!), and general feeling-weird-ness, I have had a lot of difficulty with keeping up both blogging and vlogging. I`m trying very, very hard to return. Once more: baby steps.

Baby steps, as you might have noticed, is currently the running theme in my life. It literally feels like I`m picking up bits and pieces of who I used to be and who I want to be and constructing them all together to create a mosaic of a new me. But mosaic is a long and difficult process, and so is fighting depression and anxiety and a very low self esteem. I`m trying very hard to make a pretty picture, to get better, but every now and then I might find out some of the pieces didn`t stick as well as I would have liked and I have to take a few steps back in the process. Sometimes everything crashes and I start all over again. I consider it very important to not want to change too much at once now. I`m not expecting miracles. I`m working for improvement, and that`s all I`m hoping for at the moment. Improvement away from this situation. To be able to live normally without being obstructed by my own mind. Everything else I gain along the way is a nice, added bonus.

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