On YouTube, content creating, anxiety, and inspiration

YouTube is a strangely large part of my life. Even if I don`t vlog that often myself*, I do still spend a lot of time catching up on videos and just generally mucking about there.

I`ve lately found YouTube to be an increasingly strange place to be. There`s obviously a lot of change going on, and everyone`s still getting used to it. The main reason for a lot of this change (aside from natural progress): Becoming Youtube. But there will be more on BY in an upcoming video, because I`ve been having a lot of thoughts on it.

For now though, I want to talk about YouTube as an inspiration for both my own videos and my life in general.

To be honest, there are a lot of days where I just sigh and wonder why I even bother. YouTube is silly, pointless, “a waste of time”. It`s banned in a lot of companies etc because of its lack of productivity-inducing-qualities. Often, I open my sub box just to close it again because of all the crap uploaded. There`s so many people  clamouring to be “crazy YouTube famous”, so many people falling right over each other to try and make “it”, whatever “it” may be. It just makes me give up in advance, because between all those charming British people and clever Americans, how should I ever get through as a Dutch girl in a tiny town?

But sometimes, on those days where my anxiety seems to run around freely and I end up with panic attacks in the middle of the night. Those days where I just don`t know what to do and Tumblr has nothing for me and Facebook is boring and I wonder what on earth I should be doing with my life. Those days, if I`m lucky, I`ll open the right YouTube channel and be reminded about why I`m in all of this. I get reminded why I put long hours into making videos and blog posts and updating everything.

It`s because the payback is amazing. There are content creators on YouTube that I might not always watch, but when I do? I get reminded of all the good in the world. I get reminded of how much fun it is to make videos, to just have fun and show it to the world and have other people have fun along with you. You can have a real impact, make a difference in the world (whether YouTubers do that or not is still up for debate).

I might not have that much views, I might be endlessly stuck at 22 subscribers with only 10 views in 3 weeks if I`m lucky. I might want to completely quit it all at times.

But then I see videos like Jacksgap or Zoella or Mike Falzone, you know, those type of people who seem endlessly positive and happy and really living life to the full. And I enjoy watching them so much, they help calm me down and think about it all and they make me just want to make videos. Be a content creator first, create things, whatever, and just put it out there and see what happens.

And I might always be thinking about where on earth I`m taking this channel, because I want to pull it in every direction at once, and don`t people always say you should focus on one thing? Well maybe my channel being my own channel can be more like a variety show. You never know what you`re getting this week, and there`s something for everyone.

Because in the end I know that the most important thing is to have fun. Have fun in making videos and people will have fun in watching them. Or at least that`s the idea.

Those same type of channels make me very jealous, too. They have so much more going for them than I do. Pretty, young, in the right countries, with seemingly endless budgets for equipment and travelling.

But I also realise that Jacksgap originated from Jack not knowing what to do after dropping out of university. I also know that Zoella`s Zoe has panic attacks and anxiety and has been in a pretty bad situation at one point and has battled her own way out. I know that Wheezy Waiter was a waiter with asthma but has now become one of the biggest YouTubers around. Hell, Hank Green (one half of the Vlogbrothers) has graduated in chemistry and now not only makes videos but has also set up and organised VidCon, the biggest YouTube convention there is. He`s behind SciShow, the Lizzie Bennet Diaries, Subbable, and a lot of other awesome things that make me wonder if he even gets any sleep anymore.

It`s these stories that inspire me to keep working. It`s not where the YouTubers are now (that part just discourages me like woah), but where they came from. It gives me hope, not always but sometimes, that maybe if I just keep going this might happen for me.

Because I honestly can`t imagine working in an office at a crappy job the rest of my life. Video and film making has been what I want to do for a very long time now, and I can`t imagine myself in any other place.

Now I just need to convince the rest of the world, too.

*(sorry! I`m mapping out 2 video`s right now, several have been put on hold for a while, and I have some other projects I`m considering on doing, but with a full-time job with irregular hours,  a sudden social life, and lots of other reasons, I haven`t had the time to film and edit new videos. You`d be amazed at the amount of time that goes into one video. BUT, things are settling down soon, I have some really fun things planned in the near future, and I hope to at least bring you some regular vlogs if not specific topics/sketches. Until then, I`ll be around here and on Twitter/Tumblr, so feel free to follow me there, too!)

ICYMI, here`s where to find me online:
youtube.com/realkojitmal
twitter.com/kojitmal
realkojitmal.tumblr.com

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