Yesterday I finally uploaded a new video (first video with my new camera!). It took me several weeks to make one, to even just get the right idea for one. And the video also indirectly explains why.
As most people who read this blog (and there`s almost 50 of you! I mean woah. Thanks for being here, guys!) will know, I have depression and panic attacks and anxiety and basically this whole list of disorders that mess me up big time. I was doing okay for a bit, though struggling, but the past few weeks have been pretty bad. I`ve barely uploaded on this blog too, I know. Sorry about that.
Still, I do have some opinions about this whole ordeal. Or specifically how other people treat it.
The video explains most of my thoughts on how society treats mental illness, it`s basically a blog rant in video format. But it did feel good to get it out in the open. I guess that`s why I talk about it so much. It`s like I have all these emotions bubbling inside of me, always threatening to just spill out if I don`t get rid of some of it myself. And I do that by talking about them. A lot. Call it damage control.
I know it`s an annoying habit. Just ask my IRL friends, I talk about everything I think about all the time, and I can understand it gets really annoying. But give me some time, and I`ll change into lighter subjects myself. I just need to get things out.
I`m not going to promise that things will change after this, that things will get better, because I know change – or at least change of this type – is a slow process. There`s relapses and days, weeks, even months of feeling like crap. But I consider every day I feel okay a victory. Also because there`s so few of them, but also because if I count those instead of the bad ones it feels less bad.
It`s said that your twenties are your formative years. This is when you turn into the person you will be for the rest of your life. Aside from the part where this is nonsense because you always change, hearing this did terrify me. I don`t want to be the basket case for the rest of my life. I do want a good life, a full life, a better life.
I`m just still stuck on figuring out exactly what this better life is for me. Do I aim for the stereotype of sunsets on beaches and pretty people laughing while running on those beaches? Do I aim for the stereotype of shenanigans, the type we see in the movies? Do I aim for the successful career with meetings and suits and money and a nice car? Or will I at one point actually manage to create something for myself that suits me much better?
I`ve said it before: the concept of time terrifies me. The idea that it`s running out terrifies me even more. And every day that I don`t know what I want, and end up paralysed in fear, is another day closer to the point of no return.
But for now, I`m okay with blogging and vlogging and just seeing wherever my life leads me. I`ll keep my eyes open and my mind open and I guess I`ll see what comes along.
And that`s a much calmer way of thinking.
Although it might not be particularly productive in terms of future-making, I`m not sure I really want to do that right now anyway.
Then again, my job really sucks and frustrates me and I don`t know how much longer I can keep that up.