Lately I`ve been realising that one of the scariest things to me personally is time. Or specifically the lack of it.
The whole concept of time scares the hell out of me. Like Robert Downey Jr said in an interview recently, “it`s hard to really grasp that existential fact that the only commodity that is not negotiable is time.” It`s true. Everything is negotiable to some extent. Everything, except time.
24 hours every day. No more. No less. Deal with it. But what if I can`t deal? What if I won`t get to do a lot of the things I want to do because there`s just no time?
I suppose in a way I feel like time is running out. This is an odd feeling, if you consider the fact that I`m 23 and should for all intents and purposes feel like I have decades left for me. Yet I don`t feel like that, and it scares me. I know all the chances, the possibilities, and I know that there`s no feasible way I can manage all of them. I have to choose, and I don`t want to.
A luxury problem? Yes. But one that can cause a ton of anxiety nonetheless.
Because if I`m really honest to myself, I realise that quite possibly a large reason behind my anxiety and panic attacks is this realisation that there are only 24 hours in a day, and that I won`t get to live forever. I will die, sooner or later (hopefully later), and once I die that`s it, I`ll be dead for all eternity. And I`m absolutely terrified. Not of the prospect of dying, there`s no point in being afraid of death. I`m terrified of not getting everything out of life that I want.
I`m very lucky in getting to say that, in my 23 years on this planet, I`ve only had maybe one thing that I regret. I may not like my life as it is right now, but I don`t have regrets. I don`t consider not finding a job something I regret. It`s given me a lot of insight both in myself and the world around me, and it`s given me a good dose of reality, hitting me right in the face with it in fact. Besides that, I know that I tried, I tried everything I could. But finding a job in these times is like winning the lottery. It`s much more a case of luck than actual skills at anything.
Still, this whole lack of time thing, especially now that I have a very demanding (and not at all fun) job that I only have to fund for me for the next couple of months so I have some leverage, is literally keeping me up at night. I already have insomnia, but this is not helping. I much prefer to stay up at night to work on this blog and my vlog and other fun things, rather than going to sleep and living only for this crappy job. I much prefer being rather useless at work than being awake and focused if it means I get to do the things I love when I get home. And I often just don’t get how other people do it. How do people juggle work and hobbies and a social life and even romantic relationships? I just don`t get it. Then again, I do demand a lot of myself, I am aware of this.
But still, this feeling does cause panic attacks. I get afraid I`m going to die, I get afraid that I somehow managed to contract a deadly disease or that something else is horribly wrong, and I`ll be so scared of dying before I got anywhere in life that I end up with a panic attack, that in turn makes me feel like I am actually about to die and thus makes me panic even more.
All in all, my thoughts on this matter are pretty messed up. I shouldn`t think about these things too much. I`ve been at the “nothing matters” part, that really dark, depressing way of thinking that gets you nowhere except at a really destructive place, and I`d really like not going back to that place. But it seems my brain wired to do so anyway.
So for now I`ll just stick to trying to work out how to make the best of things, while everything in life seems to be working against me. And until I figure things out, please bear with me?