About writing, vlogging, and being honest (with myself)

Oh? What`s this? A blogpost that has nothing to do with my vlog?

Well, yes. A blog isn`t just there for support right? My blog, vlog, Twitter, whatever, surely they can all exist in coexistence and support each other, instead of being dependent on each other?

But that`s not what I want to talk to you about today. Today, I want to talk to you about the reason I`m blogging, vlogging, writing, all of that. Mainly writing. And it fits to write about it, right?

So for the past three months, I have literally only missed one day of writing. Since November 1, I`ve written more than 70.000 words, spread over two novel-length stories and a couple of short stories. I started with NaNoWriMo, and I just didn`t stop anymore since.

So obviously, I`m loving it. It`s given me a place to deal with not just all the stories in my head, but also the emotions I deal with on a daily basis.

You see the thing is, without wanting to sound overdramatic, but since I graduated last summer, my life has mostly gone downward. Possibly even, dare I say it, fallen apart.

In the past 7 months (and counting), I have lost this place I could return to, namely my school. I have lost contact with so many people. The few I do have contact with are either busy with jobs or are in a different country. I have lost my income. I have become dependent on the tiny amounts of money I scrape together here and there, mostly through my (volunteer) job as a tourguide at the caves and through a job agency. I have send out the one job application after the other, just to never hear from the company again. If I did, it was often with a “you don`t have enough experience”. The one job I did get is only part-time, and on top of that I now get to deal with a condescending boss, a sexist colleague, and a whole lot of Really Weird customers. It`s bringing in some more money, but I`m not sure what the price is going to be in the end.

To say I`m in a “down” mood most of the time, is somewhat of an understatement.

However, writing -and to a lesser extent vlogging- is what`s been keeping me going. My stories and my vlog have become something for me to focus on, something completely unrelated to the rest of my life, yet still a way to deal with everything I get thrown at me on a daily basis. Up until NaNoWriMo, I had no idea creating these small worlds, even if just inside my head, could feel so good. I had no idea it felt so good to create anything, really.

To have something to work towards (whether it`s the completion of a story of the process of making a video) has helped me so immensely. I still feel like absolute worthless sh*t most of the time, but in those moments where a story starts leading its own life and I get taken on this strange journey of which I do not know the destination, in those moments where my characters go “lol I know you want me to go to the right, but I`m my own person now so I`m gonna go and barge in at that other building there because I WANT TO”, those moments where I upload a video and see people are responding to what I say, those are the moments I work towards now.

So of course I wouldn`t be me if I wouldn`t set myself some more goals. I`ve developed a list of Things I Do Every Day, to get me actually working towards my goals. My original goals for the new year were to write 300 words every day, to work on my vlog in whatever way I can that day, every day, to read 50 books in one year (I`m at book #7),  and to have more adventures.

Admittedly, the adventures part needs some working on still, but the rest? Still going strong. And like I said, I`ve added some new ones: this year I`ll be going for the Japanese Language Proficiency Test N1, which means I`m also studying Japanese every day. I`ve added exercises three times a week.

And I like it this way. It feels like I`m taking back control over my life. Like this is me, saying, “you know what life? You`ve given me nothing to work with, no lemons, so I`m gonna go grow my own lemons now. Screw you.” And, keeping up with the lemon metaphor, although my lemon plant (is it a plant? A tree? Does anyone know?) is still just  a tiny sapling, it can grow into a big plant-tree-thing if it`s nurtured and cared for properly. 

Now the next part is to actually share this part of my life with people I know. This is, to me, the scariest bit. Putting things online? Used to it. Sharing things with people? Scary, but doing it. Sharing things with people I know personally, IRL? Holy fucking shit no way.

It scares me so much, to share this with people. I`m afraid of getting laughed at. I`m afraid of failure. I`m afraid of people going “oh lol I saw your video the other day and I loved what you said” and then talking more about it while I`m in the same room with them. It makes me feel vulnerable, and I hate, absolutely despise that feeling.

But I guess it`s time for me to come out of my comfort zone, and to start sharing this part of my life as well. If I want this to work out, if I want to actually get somewhere, I`m going to need to share this.

Just not now. 

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