and I`ve been realising a couple of things.
First of all, I suck at keeping up a blog. Sorry about that. I will try?
Secondly, I realised that I am easily envious. I put a lot of effort in my vlog, and only get a couple of views. People I know upload one video and get three times as much views and comments. As someone who is only very good at pretending to have self confidence, this, obviously, hurts. But then I have to remind myself that this is one of the reasons I`m doing this whole vlogging thing. To get more self confidence. To create something for myself from ground up. To learn.
Of course there are other reasons, but actually building up something, creating something by myself instead of just doing what someone else tells me to do is one of the reasons I started this vlog.
Thirdly, and possibly most importantly, I realised something strange about myself. Not that I get envious, no, I think I covered that enough for now.
No, I realised that for some strange reason, while I have no qualms about talking to groups. I have no difficulty (though I do get nervous, but then I go ahead and do it) stepping on to a stage and talking about something to a group of people. I have no difficulty teaching a class. I have no difficulty taking a whole group of tourists with me twenty meters underground to tell them stories. I have no difficulty recording a video on camera.
I do find it extremely difficult, impossible, crippling even, to talk to people I actually know. I find it extremely weird and unsettling when someone I know personally hears what I say. I absolutely hate it when a colleague will say “oh I`ve never heard your tour of the caves, mind if I join?”. I flat out refuse to let them join and hear my version of the story. This is why I haven`t shared my videos or my blog on Facebook yet. It took me a lot of fretting and doubting and leaving the page just to go back again and leave straight away again, to post about a video on a forum I frequent, let alone linking to the video itself. (I did link to my first video eventually, and got several positive comments on it, which did help.)
I literally buried my face in my hands after I clicked “post”. I was just so scared.
I guess I`m scared they`ll hate it. I`m scared they`ll make fun of me for it. I`m afraid they`ll be commenting on it when I see them IRL, like “oh lol your video the other day was so weird”. It`s happened so often that I got bullied for the things I liked and the things I did, I`m just too scared of sharing it now. My Facebook page is filled with impersonal links to things I find interesting, I almost never actually post anything personal aside from photographs on there.
And I guess that, as long as I don`t get 1000+ views per video, I won`t share my vlog either. I personally need the confidence that what I`m making is actually good, before I can share it with friends and colleagues and family.
I don`t know. Is that weird?
It has put me to a new conundrum though: how am I going to get my videos out there, how am I going to get noticed, if I`m so scared of sharing what I do? How am I going to try and not disappear into the dark abyss of the internet if I`m too scared of actually getting my things out there?
It`s a dilemma I haven`t solved just yet.
If anyone has an idea for me, please leave a comment. And of course feel free to go ahead and watch my videos and `like` them and share them and help me get over this anxiety, so I can in turn go and help other people get rid of these fears. Because I would like to do that, help other people through something I do. But to do that, I need to make it through this myself first. So I need your help. Please help?
Either way, thank you for reading this, if anyone has made it to the end of this long rant. I really do appreciate the effort of reading all of this.
These things really are awkward to end, aren`t they.
(p.s. go visit my actual vlog! youtube.com/realkojitmal and let me know what you think!)